I Don't Deserve This

Oftentimes those who suffer become angry.  Elisabeth Kubler-Ross worked out what she thought were the five stages of response to grief and loss, and the second of these, after denial, was anger; it seems that there can sometimes be a sense of anger that is just generalized and not necessarily directed at anyone.  Many who are suffering can become angry at themselves.  Sometimes Christians become angry at God.  In fact, I devote an entire chapter of my book, Surviving the Suffering, to the problem of becoming angry with God.

One of the underlying problems with suffering is the sense of injustice some feel at being afflicted.  There may be the case where someone truly is the victim of injustice, as when someone wrongly causes us to suffer.  Much of the time, however, our sense of injustice is inflamed because we have a complete misunderstanding of God's sovereignty.  When we suffer, we can feel that God has incorrectly allowed this to happen, and we become angry with Him for acting unjustly.

We see examples of people responding that way in Scripture.  Job stated in the midst of his sufferings that "...He crushes me with a tempest, and multiplies my wounds without cause" (9:17).  Job felt that he did not deserve his sufferings.  We tend to think of some suffering as deserved (much more likely when we observe the suffering of another), and some as undeserved (more likely when it is we that suffer).  All of this comes from what we think of when we think, "I deserve."  The word deserve comes from the Latin "de-" meaning "completely and "servire", meaning "service".  The notion is that we are entitled to good things because of our service. 

In dealing with this problem that we do not deserve our suffering there are several things to consider.  The first should be an immediate assessment of our sense of pride.  Much of the time that we are angry at our sufferings it is because we do not feel that we deserve to suffer because of our inflated sense of self-worth.  "I didn't do anything to deserve this" may be what we are saying, but what we are thinking is "I am too good to deserve this".  In some cases, God may be chastening us for our pride, and the suffering that we are undergoing is to correct that very thought.  Your pride that leads you to think that you are too good to suffer leads God to correctively apply suffering to make you realize that you are not too good to suffer.  Ouch.

A second thing to deal with is that God is allowing suffering to occur in our lives for a purpose and that we are never to think that God does not know what He is doing or that He is capable of doing wrong.  We cannot under any circumstances hold God to our sense of justice.  Good people will suffer along with the bad, for as Jesus tells us in Matthew 5:45, "He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and the unjust."  In fact, sometimes while the good are suffering, the wicked prosper (Jeremiah 12:1).  When we become angry with God because we do not feel we deserve suffering, we are passing judgment on Him.

You may not feel that you deserve your suffering, but you must understand that God is not wrong in allowing it to occur.  This is what faith and trust in Him is all about.  If you can allow yourself to believe that God is wrong about your suffering, what else is He wrong about?  God is not bound to give you what you think you deserve.  He is bound to do what will bring Him glory.  It may be that you are suffering to do just that.  We learn about that in the story of the blind man healed by Jesus in the gospel of John, chapter nine: "And His disciples asked Him, 'Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?' Jesus answered, 'Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him.'"

So far, many of the people we have been discussing have an inflated sense of self-worth.  But there is another group of people who suffer because of the opposite problem.  Many individuals inflict misery upon themselves because they have a sense of unworthiness.  They look at the mercy and grace given to them by God and feel unworthy, and say to themselves, "I don't deserve this."  They are aware of and grateful for their salvation, but look at the sin in their lives and feel that they do not measure up to God's standards.  Here again, we are basically accusing God of being wrong.  You are not worthy of your salvation and eternal life because of what you do or what you have done.  You are worthy because you have received justification by receiving Christ as your Savior. 

It is best to put thoughts of what we deserve far from our minds. Unfortunately, because of the sin of Adam, fallen man has inherited that sin.  When sin entered the world, so did suffering.  What God's justice requires to pay for this is death.  Christ, who did not deserve to be crucified, endured that death for us, and He did not accuse God of not knowing what He was doing.  No suffering here on earth, that we may feel we do not deserve, can possibly match the suffering of eternal death that we would deserve.  We, who do not deserve eternal life, will freely receive it, because of Christ's work, if we receive Him.  If you accuse God of not knowing what He is doing, giving you suffering that you do not deserve or grace and mercy that you do not deserve, then you will just end up increasing your misery.  And that you probably deserve.